Recovery

Another sunset
The endgame for the neutropenia phase is recovery. Specifically this means your neutrophils regain their status in the normal range between 4000 and 12,000.

Two days ago I was at the low point at 200. We watched group 1 have three of their members jump into the normal range over the course of two days. The four of us were optimistic and hopeful that we would have the same result.

As it turns out, I was the only one in our group to successfully jump into the normal range with neutrophils of 7200. The individual that was not in range from group 1 will likely be in range tomorrow and join me for my rituximab infusion. Another member of our group was close enough that he may also be able to join us. The other three will likely have to wait till the next day.

Basically what this means is that I receive my discharge papers tomorrow mid day and for all intents and purposes I can go home. However, going home early involves changing airline flights and other things not so much in my control. If all things go well, we will move our flight up to Friday, but if not we will come home Saturday as planned.

Those are the treatment details. My body is feeling pretty rough and tumble. The injections we get to stimulate stem cell growth seem to come along with deep exhaustion and a lead like feeling in all of my extremities. I’ve still been able to stand up and walk, but a number of members of our group have had to resort to a wheelchair because their legs simply won’t respond. This will recover, but it will take time. We are all also anemic contributing to fatigue.

The process is moving forward and it is quickly coming to an end. I am looking forward to being home and focusing on recovery.

Evening wine club
Evening wine club

A group of us have held the nightly ritual of sunset gathering and wine drinking. The highlight of the day. Only the caregivers of drinking wine, the rest of us get to watch. But it still feels celebratory.

The beer crew
The beer crew

Neutropenia

Sunset
So here we are. This is the phase of the process where all of the things have been done to our bodies to wipe out the troublesome immune system that was and put in the seeds for the immune system to be.

We restarted our filgastrim injections again two days ago to continue to stimulate stem cell production. We also get blood draws every two days him him to assess the level of current level of annihilation.

After each blood draw we meet with a hematologist to get our status report. Healthy neutrophil levels are 4000-12,000. First blood draw line rough 1500 pain, after the second blood draw they had dropped to 600. This is expected and there is an anticipated further drop in two days before the numbers begin to climb again. After the first blood draw my hemoglobin levels were 7.9 where 12 is considered the lowest end. My platelets were also low. All by design. At the second blood draw my hemoglobin and platelets had begun to recover, which is great. These red blood cells are not the target of the treatment and having them so low leads to pretty significant exhaustion and anemia.

After Sunday, the climb backing out of the neutropenia hole begins. When our neutrophils reach at 4000 level, we will get an infusion of rituximab and be ready to head home.

View from my bed
My view from the bed

Now is the time for wallowing. What this means right now is that I am in the nadir of suck. Anemia causes headache, not for everyone, but definitely for me. It also causes extremely low energy. So, wallowing. And boredom.

View on the deck
My view from the deck

In addition, we are incredibly susceptible to even the smallest type of infection so for the most part we are restricted to our rooms. I get to escape jail for 20 minutes a day to go to the rooftop. All of us stretch it past that 20 minutes because well, sanity.

Lots of movies. Eating in the room. It is a pretty sorry state when getting out to get an injection feels like fun. We all linger, see how everybody’s doing, compare numbers, and just enjoy each other’s company for these brief moments when we can be together.

Mom drawing
My mom’s favorite activity, drawing

All in all, this is this surreal stretch of time. I am literally aching to be home. I am dreaming of the mountains and the ocean and rivers and streams and sunshine. At the same time I am so weak that sorting puzzle pieces requires a nap.

Reminders from home
Reminders from home

I am living in dreams of the future where things are possible, where I can move and begin to build strength hopefully on top of a system that isn’t fighting back. These dreams inspire me and they make me cry as they feel both so close and so far away.

I am in love with the people I’m going through this with. There is a lot of laughter and empathy. I will miss them and hope to connect in far-off lands down the line.

For now I lay low to protect myself, wash my hands more times a day than I can count, and rest while my body rebuilds.